Wednesday, February 18, 2009

How To Twitter.... Like Ivan Basso

Ivan Basso always strikes me as this happy, go lucky, cute little cyclist in the peleton. The guy is always smiling when he talks. Atleast most of the time. Makes everyone around him happy. Sometimes you have to wonder what he's on.

He's such a simpleton that he's even modest about his doping. Some years ago, he said this to a disciplinary panel, appearing completely righteous in the face of adversity :

"I know I made mistakes and I deserve to be punished"

It'd be surprising if the UCI didn't go "Awww....cut his ban short will ya? He's making me teary. Get him out of here."

And off Ivan went playing in the ice, like a kid who just learnt to ride a bike.

But don't get me wrong. When this guy wants to do something serious, he'll go at it 100%. Is it little wonder the tenacity and persistence with which the Italian bombs out 140 character status updates on his Twitter page every 4 hours? Boom boom boom boom boom. I tell you, this guy is a friggin' machine.

As you all know, Twitter is the latest bird flu among procyclists. Its everywhere! And Basso smiled and willingly caught the ailment.

The bottom line of it all is pretty simple : From the time you take a shit in the morning, to the moment you crank out the final belch from your dinner before bedtime, you're required to shamelessly self promote yourself on Web 2.0 in real time. Your life is under a magnifying lens and hundreds of people try to peer through it to get a slice of what you do everyday (whether they have nothing better to do with their life is for another discussion another day). I guess we all cried at one point for cycling to be more 'transparent'. But THIS transparent? Spare me! This is just too generous a gift! Whatever happened to 'personal affairs', 'privacy', and 'minding your own business' !

Take a look at Basso's seriously important Twitter updates. I reckon the 4500 followers who, gaping wide at their screens every minute of the day to religiously read his lines in real time, think they actually deserve every minute of it. Here's a snippet of Basso's tireless conversations.

Basso tells Cunego there is transparency. Cunego and his big mouth! Here is the transparency.

Entertaining. Within the span of 24 hours, only sleeping, eating and getting massaged! By current levels of progression, I can see whats coming in terms of transparency in the next few hours :

Ciao. I sleep now.
about 1 hour ago from Twitterberry

Hi! I back from race. Massage.
about 5 hours ago from Twitterberry

Good morning to evrybody I go to brekfast. Good. Tasty.
about 9 hours ago from Twitterberry

I sleep. Long sleep. I tink I dream.
about 18 hours ago from Twitterberry

I tok to wife on telephone. She good. I happy.
about 19 hours ago from Twitterberry

I race now. Beutiful day. Birds in the sky.
about 24 hours ago from Twitterberry

Ciao! Race finished. I freeze.
about 33 hours ago from Twitterberry

about 40 hours ago from Twitterberry

Ciao! I sleep now.
about 52 hours ago from Twitterberry.

Who's next in line? Dear Lord. I just heard someone has got the Twitter illiterate Phil Liggett into the Twitter scene. (I mean, cut the man some slack Carlton. He's pushing 60 and busy as it is! Do you really want him to have a nervous breakdown as he copes with the extra stress of redundant status updates?)

But I have some wise words for you, Phil...should you choose to Twitter afterall.
To earn your first 4000 followers like Basso hath done, all you need to do is recount every single tidbit of absolutely worthless information you've done in the day. If your wife and kids simply cannot stand you, fear not. The faithful Twitterati will. And it'll be phenomenal!

On a more elementary level, you can earn your first 400 followers of the day just by typing absolutely nothing at all. 0 tweets = 420 followers! How about that, champ?

These faithful 400 will stare like drones into blank screens all day, sipping coffee and scratching their butts, waiting for the first wise words from you like strange, hyptonized zombies.

Remarkable, isn't it? Oh, the internet boggles the mind. Tweet tweet.

* * *


Nate said...

Wow Ron you nailedd it! I absolutely admire the use of Twitter in a time of crisis, a war etc. But self promotion is just plain stupid.

Anonymous said...

The chattering class has another venue. People that have more money then brains, more time then they can spend, need more ways to spend time and money talking.

Josen said...

The cycling twitterati was perfect fodder for your wit.

Christy said...

basso's kids look cute

Don said...

Floyd Landis has Twitter is hilarious too.
From his typing, it seems like he hardly enjoys doing this and would rather do something better with his time. Ofcourse, his last update was on the Feb 1st which pretty much explains my point.

Mark V. said...

You were spot on accurate about Ivan's future tweets. Latest ones include :

Good morning to everybody i go to brekfast

I get a massage!

I get a good massage!!!