Thursday, February 19, 2009

BREAKING NEWS : Inspector Clouseau Finds Lance's Bike

Fiery news fresh off the stove is pouring into our media center that the world's most famous detective, Inspector Jacques Clouseau, and his team have found what appears to be the cancer Savior's stolen time trial bike. Following Clouseau's Clitter updates on the left sidebar of this blog for the past two days, he reports that it was found in a raid into the shoddy quarters of a certain Paul 'Skimmage'. Scanning dental records at his doctor's office have led us to believe that Skimmage may either be a journalist or a reporter with an above average mouth.

But tragedy has it that Clouseau has an almost illness-like obsession with one of the Italian detectives on the team, Mrs. Stella Bonasera. He's undergoing intensive therapy to determine whether he still has his sanity about him. Meanwhile, check out the latest picture from the raid :

Detectives shine light into the basement. There was a bike in there...

Earlier, Clouseau also reported on discovering manuscripts of a memoir floating around the inner most circles of Skimmage. Whether the book was authored by this journalist himself or not is not known at the moment. However it is clear that someone didn't like the harsh ride of carbon fiber and was about to publish his thoughts.

But whatever happened to the wheels of the bike?? The last clue to this mind boggling case may lie with a second suspect caught by Clouseau on CCTV. A certain Sterile Crew.

Clouseau's thoughts were superimposed on the image using top French technology.

Thank you Clouseau for saving the day! I hope Lance Armstrong will stick to his promise, and reward him with a pair of used bike shorts. Its what our poor Clouseau needs at the moment.

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How The Investigation Took Place

Who is Inspector Jacques Clouseau? There is only one like him. Click Here To Find Out.

Clouseau's Clitter Updates :

Check the official missing time trial bike notice. Clouseau updated you with his findings through his Clitter updates. Clitter updates were 200 character limit conversations between the Inspector and Lance Armstrong. In Italics was Lance responding back to Clouseau. This is how those conversations went.


" Armstrang,yeuw have me, ze best ditecteeve in ze werld to find yeur stolen time thrail beeke. "

Err...Clouseau, correction.. My name is Armstrong.
No...Armstrong! Armstrrrong.
Sigh. Never mind!

Feb 17

8:00 am

"To zee Armstrang : I sink zat zee repeurter Paul Skimmage is the criminel! Yeuw insulted him in pebleec days before zee race. Since yeuw said he is not weurth zee chair he sits on, he thought your beeke is not weurth for you to sit in ulso. Now is zere an Ireeush craigslist for him to sell theu time thrail beeke? I will chick Googil dot cum. Zank yeuw.

Yes!! Zere is Ireeush craizy list. See here."

But Inspector Clouseau, don't you think Sheryl Crow may be a greedier suspect? I heard from my 5 year old son that due to the credit crunch, Citibank isn't giving her the loan to buy a new guitar. How awful.

"Yeus, zat is posseubil. I will chick. Maybe it weus both Skimmage and Sterile Crew. Tag-teeem yeuw know. Leevstreung!"

9:00 pm

"To zee Armstrang. I chicked. I have zee suspiceun at zee Sterile Crew. My CCTV spotted her walkeeng in Sacramento with a funny pose and hiddeun luggage. Is theus hiddeun luggage underneath her bra zee time thrail beeke? I have uplewded CCTV image here. Chick. Zank yeuw."

Interesting Clouseau. I was always suspicious of Sheryl Crow. I just returned after stage 3 of AMGEN so I'm getting ready to shower. But quickly...I don't think my time trial bike is a folding bike. It surely cannot get so compact that it can hide within the confines of her under-shoulder-boulder-holders. Good work anyway. What about Kimmage? Livestrong!

Feb 18

8:00 am

"To zee Armstrang! Hush! This ees my lateust news. Paul Skimmage, mei first sespect, ees secretly writing new beuk. He is apparuently at discomfert afteur fleeing away on yeur time thrail beeke. Zee low riding positeun and steuff carben feebeur has destroyed his back. My sourceus have photogrewfed cover page of beuk in his rrewm! See. This is our sespect! We must arrest heum et vence!"

Voila. Paul certainly is addicted to the written word. He will certainly scribble down any nonsense he feels. Any wonder he wrote in papers that I'm the cancer of the cycling world, when clearly I cannot be a tumor myself? My bike surely is not custom made for his old bottom. Ha! Clouseau, excellent find. We must find him and have him in custody. His Irish accomplices must have been pissed scared of the investigations and last night, we found one of the stolen bikes quitely returned in our hotel. But he's still at large with my bike! Livestrong!

7:00 pm

"To zee Armstrang. My team of Detecteeves have broke into Skimmage's apartment while he was shaving heus Ireeush beard. We feund time thrail beeke frame hiddeun in zee basement, and quickly escaped without Skimmage threwing his razor at us. Phew! I have zee crush on bosomy Detecteeve Stella Boneseura. She's my hero. I mean, heroine (but she teulks like a men). What is yeur reward for zis magnificent sexess?"

Clouseau, magnificent? Hardly! Where are the damn wheels? I spent a fortune on those Bontragers. If they're not found, I'll have to ride a set of shitty Taiwanese hoops this Friday with Livestrong imprinted on them. That's like smelly
Pont L'Eveque cheese with reese's pieces sprinkled on it. Both gag and make me want to puke. If you discover the wheels too, my reward will be a set of used bike shorts. It lasts long. Livestrong! (Hey, that rhymes!)

Feb 19

11:00 am

Clouseau. This is Lance. Again, thank you for finding my TT bike frame. I'm just heading out for stage 5. Okay, no sweat about the wheels. You win. I'll have my Livestrong Foundation ship a pair of used bike shorts to you as reward. UPS shipment.

9:00 pm

"Lance, this is a representative for Clouseau. While he's undergoing therapy for going out of his mind, this is to say that we have received your UPS shipment. The virtues of same day shipping! However, the box only contained a yellow chamois. Surprised, we inquired with UPS by phone where the rest was. They replied that your soggy shorts was too heavy for their underfunded airplane so they had to use industrial cutters to separate it and ship in different boxes. We are to expect the shorts and the elastic separately before the end of this week. How we'll stitch it back together is a big question but like you remarked back in 2004, 'its not about the shorts either'. Livestrong!"

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John V, Ohio said...

Hilarious dude!! Brilliant!

Jim said...

I just laughed so hard at this my co-worker was giving me the stare.

Anonymous said...

Jacques has much better taste than that. He was just persuading her to squeal.

Anonymous said...

wickedly funny.

Jules said...

Clitter, Ron?

Now really..

still nice work

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what his bike must have gone through when it was stolen. like someone could have even tea bagged his top tube you know.