Tuesday, June 2, 2009

AFLD Team Up With Supercuts For A Drug-Bust Hair Salon

If anyone has taken a close look at Lance Armstrong lately, it can be observed that he has put on a copious amount of both age and.... hair. As always, the wonder man is yet again displaying miracles. For a long time, it has been known that hair actually decreases as age increases. Hence, your grandpa and mine have a moonshine on top of their bulb-like cranium. But whats this? Hair is sprouting young and wild on the 7 time Tour winner like unattended weeds in an agricultural orgy.

Yet, we know this is only because Armstrong has not allowed the French doping agency (AFLD) anywhere near his sights, after last month's "surprise" visit gone wrong when they pulled out half a dozen clumps of hair with a giant tweezer, leaving the Texan in a completely disheveled and disoriented state.

The AFLD has been monitoring his hair growth closely since then. Recently however, they have begun raising alerte rouge. In a new twist of drama, experts with the agency claim that if their computer simulation studies show the correct picture, in 2 months, Armstrong's entire face could be veiled with hair. This event could allow him to hide his identity and flee doping tests. The AFLD fear they may ultimately be beaten up, slapped, or pepper sprayed on as they round up wrong yet look-alike female suspects on the street in their hunt for Armstrong. (The French, don't like getting slapped by women. Their forte is in French kissing. Well, I guess you could combine a slap and a French kiss?)

The AFLD are now proposing Armstrong a treat to get closer to him. Knowing this brash Texan loves college football, Blackberries, hometown burgers, and any other cultural insignia of the US of A, they are now reportedly joining hands with none other than Supercuts (an American barbering franchise) to service the 7 time Tour winner's hair. This initiative is being called the 'Drug-Bust Hair Salon'. Of course, every AFLD visit is unexpected and impromptu. But when they do show up at Armstrong's door, they will now be accompanied by a busty female barber (okay fine, I'll call her a hairdresser) trained by Supercuts and more graceful with scissors and number 4 trimmers than the clumsy AFLD.

Through this act of appeasement, the French hope to recover some of the love lost between them and Armstrong, by getting hair samples more humanely and restoring hair to youthful state.

Now 8 hair styles have been made available to Armstrong.

The Look : A fringe cut adorned with a French beard. One eye is cleverly covered so that he has to stress only one eyeball while giving the textbook 'Look'. There is a chance he may go blind stressing out both eyes, hence this is optometrist recommended.

Mohawk Reparto Corse : This is a post-modern punkster style with Bianchi's own Reparto Corse neon green highlights to go along. Feel a little stupid and Italian at the same time.

Medieval Monk :
Medieval Monk could be a choice self-reward for those days when he has been a good boy, and his tested hematocrit levels are lower than a 40%.

Afro Militant : This haircut captures the shamelessness, the non-nonchalance in him when he aggressively pursues petite blonde women young enough to be his daughters.

The Boss : Running many different organizations as the boss maybe easier said than done, but it is actually easier when he has a Donald Trump coiffure on his crown. All he then needs to do to someone is give both "The Look", and say "You're fired."

Rock n' Roll : Long, hard days in the saddle requires some new characters. Some music. Some dance. Its easier to forget the pain this way. Life is a blur. Bring on the classic Elvis hairdo, b**ch.

Short And Classic Native Indian : This is one of Supercuts' specialties, combining Native Indian heritage with a classic nerdy look of a master strategist to make him exactly that - a Native Indian strategist. Grow those locks now and make war!

Bend It Like Beckham : When you want to curveball the goal, slip in your wife's panties, fight with a journalist or take a 30 minute shower during a drug test....when you want to break all the rules, this one takes the cake. Rub that hair gel in hard and bend it like Beckham.
How do I look, ya'll?

* * *

P.S :

Now give me my hair back!


John Halter said...

Fantastic! Did Lance twitter this?

Megan said...

I discovered your blog on London Cyclists rankings! I must commend on how versatile you are with posts. This blog will sure be a daily read for me.