Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Evil Training Partner's Phrasebook


How to Translate Cycling's Confusing Language

By: Scott Martin (RoadBikeRider.Com) & Me

Cyclists are the biggest sandbags and secret evil trainers around - They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this trashtalking get to you.

Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say it.

"I'm out of shape."
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford Administration. I replace my 11 tooth cog more often that you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into on-coming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink into your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike."
Translation: I had this baby custom made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a breath and cost more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly."
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over - backward. You have 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"I rode yesterday, but it was just a charity ride."
Translation: I broke away exactly at the start point, did a 100K time trial like a mad dog, shattered all previous personal bests in the history of the event, then scrambled to the finish alone and went home..."

"You're doing great."
Translation: You, lardo, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching TV and eating chocolate.

"This is a no-drop ride."
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search and rescue dogs.

"It's not that far."
Translation: Just bring your passport along.

"Its all downhill now!"
Translation: 4000 feet of climbing later...

"I have a granny gear for the climbs today."
Translation: But I have honed my cadence to exactly 200 RPM so yes, I will be dropping you.

"All I know is to ride hard, I really don't care about weight."
Translation: The bike I'm on is currently 0.2 pounds heavier than the current lightest bike listed on the revered International Lightbikes listings. I have three other custom made all-Boron bikes stashed away in fireproof cabinets in the basement, and all their respective magnesium wheels, front and rear, are so lightweight, they have to be restrained from flying off with weights against the wall.

"I didn't do many races this season."
Translation: Instead, I did 3 double centuries all on aerobars, rode up an down Mt. Washington 4 times a week for 5 months straight, practiced time trialling till I had blood in my eyes, and frequently added a few hundred intervals on weekends as recovery rides.

"We just had a new baby, so I have lots of responsibilities getting in the way of cycling."
Translation: I ride to work and back every day, 50 miles each way so thats 100 miles per day. At night, I put the baby to sleep, help my wife go to sleep beside the baby, then take the bike out to ride all night till the morning. Next month, I plan to start my new book "Confessions of an all night rider." Oops, I'm sorry, did I just slip past your mileage goals for the month in one night?

"Its a great route, the roads are gorgeous and scenic."
Translation: 75% dirt roads with stones as big as your head, creepy houses on both your sides with ugly black barking dogs constantly on watch, two notches through the mountains that are hotspots for landslides any moment, Oh, and you can stop to rest anytime,anywhere but sorry, I'll be riding away since I can't put my training goals on hold for you for 2.5 minutes.

"C'mon , lets do an easy 1 hour spin on the bike path."
Translation: Break the speed limit, forget about brakes and scare the living shit out of poor walkers, runners and skaters on the bike path by whizzing past them at 40+ mph till your legs are numb with pain, you're foaming at the mouth like a snakebite victim, your breathing is worse than an asthmatic episode and there's a fine layer of nasal mucus all over your face.

"I'm not feeling strong today."
Translation: My cruising power output on any ride is way past what you put at red zone anaerobic threshold in your peak form, but I can hold 500 watts only for 40 minutes today as opposed to the usual 41, which could possibly make you cramp and bonk and puke before we even cross the half way point on today's ride.

"I have to take the missus out tonight and I'm not allowed to get too tired, plus I'm allowed only one hour to ride."
Translation: Quick, what the hell are you waiting for??! Sacrifice yourself and be my lead out train for the entire ride thank you very much.

"Train hard, win easy."
Translation: You train hard, and I win easy.


Anonymous said...

suhweeeet! you're bloody hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Seriously I spilled my coffee laughing!

[AA] said...

NAILED ITT!!!! Cycling Decoded!!!LoL!!

Anonymous said...

ur too funny