Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Ideal Weightweenie

Times have changed. Brothers and sisters, I speak unto you the truth, with the shining light of the table above. The destination of the ideal weightweenie is not a quest for the philosopher's stone, as some of our purist brothers and sisters will have us believe. To live and act the purposeful climber's life, we must look to our inner selves. Literally. There are multiple avenues to buy power. We do not see. Look to your inner self, yes inner self.

Times have changed, brothers...

Fat is our enemy, and duplicated body parts superfluous. Oh I tell you, when the road turns up to the heavens, and gradients become hurdles, the struggles of life blends itself with the pounds of waste we carry and every gram magnifies itself by tons, until they turn into evil demons in the air and tingle our feet with lactic acid and our lungs with the fire of Shahmuth. Lactate is our foe, weight its foot solider! We must leave no stone unturned! Yes, we must destroy both with one sprint!

Must we toil and burden this much as we climb mountains, I ask? We are blinded by the prospects of further lightening our bicycles, but I tell you surely - In the end of our cycling days, we will be ridiculed in online forums, our pockets will be devoid of money and some of our families will have already cast us out of our homes for eating up the savings. To add insult to injury, the evil UCI will formulate further rules to throw us out of competition. It is going to be a struggle, my friends but I tell you, this energy must be put to good use, not through crying or fighting back but in climbing hills. But before that, we must free our inner selves by looking beyond, I mean beneath what we are made of.

In the end of cycling days, you will be ridiculed...

Surely all that water bottle and fat can go, which you will have all known and heard of at our earlier convention in Kaanan, but what about all that hair? 21 grams of dead cells that have no use under a helmet can surely go for a mere 10 dollars at the salon. These are weeds that compete with the lightness of our head. We need to think more clearly, shouldn't we? Studies at Hairvard University have shown how each tiny hair follicle acts as wind drag. How easy it is then, to get rid of them and make ourselves faster! Compare this with the hundreds you will pour into the Campagnolo coffers! Evil!

Fat and hair can go!

How about emptying your bowels before the crucial times?! 2000+500 grams of waste! Thats, what....2500 grams of waste! Humbug! Is there a prize for carrying waste up hills? I surely haven't heard of any. I know one thing and that is the finish line. Where were you, dawg?!

Kidneys and eyes, should you need both? Ofcourse no! Centuries of medical records suggest we can do easily with one. Be selfishly benevolent to a suffering man, sell him one of your organs and you will be lighter, with some more money in the pockets to feed the cycling deficits.

Hence the great racer Marcus Pantani was called Il Pirata by his Tifosi, because he gouged his left eye and climbed hills like nobody's business. And what did he achieve? Oh, I tell you, he achieved great things. Some of you know that he is not among with us today. He missed our congregational meetings a few times in his boldness (which was folly), to be even further lighter which ultimately made him too light that he floated off to the heavens above, but he is undoubtedly a martyr to all of us weightweenies.

Teeth, some of it we must need for the podium. But inner teeth? Surely no camera angle is wise unto itself that it can go around our mouths. Light travels in a straight line, brothers! Those little stones of enamel and cementum must weigh a lot. Again, studies at Hairvard have proven they have something nasty to do with tight jaws. Must these things keep torturing us any longer? Liberty, I call out loud! Dial that dentist, today!

Teeth = weight. Weight = 0 power.

Nails can be cut since there are hardly any cat fights here, only bicycle fights that we engage in with our strong shaven legs...only Alpine fights, where the mighty have shown their force. Their names are engraved on the roads in white, and surely, none of them could have had... nails. So get rid of those 1.1 grams and shave, I mean save your arms for the victory salute.

At times, brothers and sisters, you can welcome disease! Yes, you heard me right! For studies have shown (no it was not at Hairvard) that they improve the natural defense mechanisms of the body and will make you lighter!! For example, Appendicitis is our friend. We recover and lose an inflamed appendix. That is itself 300 grams gone away, which is equal to the weight of Boonen's saddle. Boonen can't climb hills. But we can! If we have Appendicitis.

More lightness!

Finally, I encourage you to seek other ways, my friends. Its time to cast weight and buy power. There are hundreds of other methods to get rid of these evils but I have spoken of the biggest areas for improvement. I hope that these secrets I shared with you today will be helpful for climbing power and accelerations of stiffness.

Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment for some minor surgeries.

Table Courtesy : Physics of the Human Body, Irving Herman

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thePig said...

After reading this I felt quite motivated to try and lose some of that extra weight (the traditional way).

Then I had another look at the photo of Michael Rasmussen and decided against it :-)

Anonymous said...

hilarious! thanks for the insight!

Luis said...

Rasmussen looks Ethiopian in that photo. Scary!!!

Will said...

excellent article :) !!

Me, I ditched the hair ages ago. Bald is beautiful!

The 80 / 20 for me is to focus on the (beer) belly

Anonymous said...

wow, ur a radical!

Anonymous said...

buahahahaha. marvellous!

Anonymous said...

Well, how about ribs. You don't need all ribs in ribcage?