Thursday, October 8, 2009

The AssBLEND® Bicycle Saddle

Apologetic Design Technologies
Gentle Avenue, Koala Bear 73232

Dear Customer,

Congratulations. You've made the right decision in purchasing our newly designed bike saddle, the AssBLEND®.

We at Apologetic have heard your needs and bring you a product that meshes perfectly with your ass like a fine fitting coat, better than any other saddle on the market. Do away with ass hatchets that leave you with a feeling of being violated by a leathered cantilever.

To ensure you have the best experience with AssBLEND®, we will guide you through your first baby steps with it :

1. When you first bought the AssBLEND®, you should have obtained a big airtight box with the name AssBLEND® printed on it in shining gold. If this is not present, you have not bought our product and we suspect its a Chinese knockoff.

2. When you open our big airtight box in anticipation using the tabs on the side, you will find a lump of material in it about 3 inches in diameter sitting in one corner. It has a blueish tint to it and may seem like a moon rock. At the other corner, there should be a steel spatula. Right in the dead center, you should have been able to find this instruction sheet you read now, neatly folded and kept awaiting the grace of your eyes.

3. Where the bloody hell is the saddle!, you'd have snapped impatiently by now. Ah. We expected exactly this question from our research. Patience now. Continue to step 4.

4. The blue lump/ball is pliable. Take it in your hand carefully. Feel the ball slowly. It is soft to touch. Yes feel it more. Ok, that's enough now...

5. This ball is a result of 5 years of research and design in our chemical laboratories at Apologetic. We have designed it in such a fine manner that it possesses a time dependent pliability for 5 min the moment it is exposed to atmospheric air at 14.5 psi.

6. Which means don't just stand there!

7. Please rush to the bathroom with the provided spatula immediately and strip off your trousers.

8. Close the toilet lid, place the ball on it at the dead center.

9. Now take a deep breath, try your best basketball jump and land right on the ball. Hold it there for exactly 20 minutes. The material is designed to work with human body temperature and hardens while expanding at the same time. While you wait, you can flip this instruction sheet in your hand for some testimonies from some of our customers. To give you comfort while you sit on the lump, we have made the testimonies (un)settling.

10. 20 minutes must have gone by now and you should feel something hard against the rear end. Take the provided spatula and scrape this hardened lump off your ass. Move onto step 11.

11. We forgot to say something in step 10. Please scrape it off carefully. That spatula is a work horse made by an artisan in South America so it can damage your ass with permanent marks if careless.

12. What you will observe on the spatula is a perfect negative of your rear end, containing an accurate description of all its crests and toughs, down to the most minutest details such as hair follicles, spores and childhood spank marks. Get your hands to work and do some additional shaping to get it into a saddle form.

One customer's sample has been provided below as reference.

Sample saddle in rough stages before processing

13. For final processing, what we call cold treatment, take any seatpost you would normally use, stick it into the AssBLEND® at the angle you desire and place into the your refrigerator.

14. After 1 hour of processing, what you should get is a rock solid copy of your ass attached to the seat post. Lock it in place on your seat tube with an allen wrench and off you go - yes, go...take your first ride with it.

Notice immediately as you ride, that every feature on your bottom melds into the AssBLEND® perfectly. What you've done is broken into the saddle with your ass in less than 2 hours. This is the AssBLEND® difference.

DISCLAIMER : Any product defect is not our liability. It's your own fault.

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Dan said...

Hilarious! This should have been displayed at Interbike. :)

Anonymous said...

not sure i get the concept. is it a true negative or has the ass been torn apart and stuck onto the saddle?

Smudge said...

Dear Apologetic,

Would appreciate an anti-shame saddle cover of some sort when not in use.

Bill Thornson said...

Oh man! I got to show this to my wife. Thanks for the laughs!!

Anonymous said...

Balls!!! :)

Phil said...

The things you can come up with.

Fido said...

Buy a Brook leather saddle, much easier (o; The breaking-in time isn't that bad (max. 200 km)

Bret said...

Funny stuff man.