Monday, December 14, 2009

Fat Smasher Promises Thinner Endurance Cyclists

In a press conference yesterday open to a few handpicked journalists, it was known that the same company that brought out the AssBlend Saddle - Apologetic Technologies - now plan on launching what may be the perfect "instant fat burning" machine in the market.

The whole idea behind it? A gross, overweight individual who didn't know what they were doing while eating all that food is only to stand in the space provided (B, shown in the picture). A second individual, perhaps the first individual's friend or family member, holds a sliding member L, pushes it with all might, thus ramming it into the person who was dreamy of losing weight for upcoming cycling season. An attached computer display shows the staggering difference between initial and final weights.

"It's going to hurt," said a spokesman for Apologetic. "But that's the small price you pay for instant results. These days, you just can't compete at top stage races without cutting down your weight. Our method is so effective, you can whistle and fit into those cycling clothes you bought in your teenage years. Oh, another perk? This way, you can also fit into petite and aerodynamic recumbent bikes."

No comments were made on the weight of the gigantic machine or the retail price.

It must be said that Apologetic is no newcomer to this niche market. More than a decade ago, the company had loaned a working prototype of the machine to James Cameron for the movie Terminator 2. The following was the famous scene where the slim and sexy T-1000 used it on his fat 800 series opponent.

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